Making sense of the rules.

Everyday I learn a little new about myself; about things I like or dislike, things that set me off or even looks of girls that make me go crazy over.

But there are some lessons that keep repeating itself. Lessons that I swore I learnt by heart, lessons to keep my throbbing head sane, lessons that make the most logical sense.

And yet somehow the unbind themselves, allowing their importance to slowly fade away.

And when crisis comes I re-learn everything all over again.

The pain, the solutions, the conclusions.

None of it changes, but I learn them again.

How can answers so logical, be forgotten so easily? Are rules not meant to be followed, to be obeyed?

I keep telling myself to keep the course, to follow the rules I set out for myself.

Surely I follow, surely I veer off course.

I only hope I go somewhere, eventually.

Darkest before dawn.

This coming week marks quite an interesting chapter of my life- I’m moving to Seletar camp for the next phase of my cadet training.

For many years I always wondered what went on at Seletar camp; it being so near to my house of course I hoped that I one day could get posted there.

6 months into my NS life that very wish is getting fulfilled!  Old or not, the sheer convenience of booking into a camp 5 minutes from your house surely makes up for it.

Which puts a lot of ups and downs life had for me into perspective.

Take not getting into OCS for example. On hindsight the amount of things I did with the free time I could not have had being a cadet there… well worth the disappointment IMO.

Also! Being a bridging engineer means that after passing out as a third sergeant I’m either going to get posted BACK to seletar camp or nee soon camp as an admin spec, 8-5 job. So on one hand I could be posted to a camp 5 minuets from my house, or to a camp 30 mins from my place but I get to book out everyday.

The amount of awesomeness in that choice makes me wanna squeal man. Goes to show that God really does have it planned out way ahead, much further than what you can expect ^^

But that’s all on hindsight, no? Sometimes the bleakness of life makes the sliver of sunlight seems so small and insignificant. Have hope ya’ll.

Thank you for you,

And the things you do.

Despite my inabilities and shortcomings,

Somehow oh somehow, I will get through.

I’m flawed but you like me this way.

Let’s get this out of the door, I failed my driving =S

But looking past that, I realise something rather startling. Okay maybe not startling but true.

I don’t take failure all that well.

I’m not exactly the brightest student, more towards an average one? But if anything I’ve been successful in life when need be, in no small measure of reason thanks to God.

And I have a rather competitive streak. So all in all, me and failure don’t go in hand too well.

But somehow on Saturday, I looked past that. I didn’t let failure rile me up as it usually would and instead, I brought home with the understanding to do better. Nothing earth shattering, but when I don’t get caught in a red mist at the end of the day, I call that a victory.

So life goes on. And that, it did.

And the journey just stretches,

With no end in sight.

But this I must remember,

It’s your sight that makes this journey right.

From where I stand.

It’s been kind of a miserly weekend, in a way.

The best and worst of me revealed, although truth be told it was probably leaning more towards the worst. It was just one of those weeks where the stars aligned and God deigned it appropriate to bombard me with every possible kind of suckiness in life.

From what I see anyway

Stupid emotions aside, I’d just like to thank those who stand by me even though it would be so much easier just to steer clear of me when I’m in one of those moods. To tolerate me, to accomodate me, to explain things to me… I can’t find better friends than that. So thank you, love(s).

I’m going to book in soon. Monday army blues are sinking in pretty badly, but I’ll live. Knowing that I’m just 5 days away from breathing fresher air, seeing the people I love and cherish… it’ll provide the sustenance I need to overcome army.

I don’t need no words nor glances,

Nor a warm embrace.

But seeing you in front of me,

That’s all I ever need.

Too close to the fire

And I will get burnt.

And along with any tread of credibility I have left.

But stick to the formula and get back on track,

I have much ground to cover.

Anchor.

I don’t quite have an anchor in my life anymore.

In times long gone, it was church, oddly. I say oddly because church often was a major source of stress; events, people, politics.

But yet, it was something that anchored my life. My schedule was organised around it; thoughts of church never too far off from the forefront of my brain.

With church work far out of the picture? I’m an aimless fool. It’s not something I would readily admit but I know that I’m just ambling from one weekend to another. Doing things that I want to do.

Is it really that bad a thing?

Quite so, if you ask me. I feel so selfish now, my schedule being of things that I want to do. It doesn’t contribute to another person’s life, doesn’t bring happiness to someone. Just feels wrong.

And the best I can do is just to whine about it now. Mentally, even. Typing out this post isn’t an attempt to redeem me or gather sympathy; I just need to get this out of my head. It’s not just a thought in my head now, it’s an actual problem that I’ve stated.

I don’t know. Without an anchor I’m just another wandering soul in the sea. Pointless, irrelevant, a drop in the sea of eternity. What do I matter, really.

And yet you are there, anchoring me to reality.

But dare I hold on to you,

When my heart says aye,

But my brain says nay.

Lie softly, lie sweetly.

A side glance, a quick peek.

A little bit of concern, keeping due note of you.

So much as I’d hate to admit it, I do care.

So keep lying to me, won’t you?

Now till 2012 doesn’t exist (army angst)

When I was 18, I felt 16. When I was 20, I felt 18. Now that I’m turning 21 this year?

Well feelings aside, I sure could pass off as 18. Minus my post-army tan and haircut, I really could! The downside to having a young face is people mistaking your age for a younger man, but that’s not really an issue there. Hell it means that when I’m older I’d be a pretty young looking chap. Thanks for the genes dad!

Looks aside, 21. Wow. It’s one of those milestones you just got to stop and look back at your life. What the hell have I done with those years? Spent well? Spent emoing? Spent wasting my life away?

So many things to reflect on and be thankful for, I guess. It’s said that in life you get what you need, not what you want, so either I really need a lot of things, or I need to thank the Big Guy up there a lot. Life’s been good to me, really.

Gah, sorry for the lack of quality posts. Army does a good number on your noggin and reflecting on your day doesn’t come up top priority when your day consists of following orders and standing in the sun. Hopefully my posting will allow me to use more of the brain.

Or at least buff up more. Man am I skinny now.

Oh sweet thing, if only you knew…

Flurry of thoughts.

I’m listening to music while my firefox has various tabs open, all containing different interests.

So messy, so ADHD, so 3 months before, so me.

I really miss this feeling. The feeling that the world is spread wide before me, and that while maybe I’m too damned distracted to focus on a single thing, if I do so; I can and will do that.

But this moment is going to be fleeting anyway. Come Sunday night I’m going to pack my field pack off to camp I’m gone again. Where adaptability comes in. Where survival comes in.

It all sounds rather dramatic. Like BMT is one season of Survivor.

But it is. You’re placed in an unfamiliar situation, needing to work with others. Some genuinely helpful, some harbouring ulterior motives.

But forget the rest. You don’t feel or know it, but you subtly change. You change slowly but surely, driven by the desire to win the game.

Then when you watch yourself on TV you realise how different you are from what you thought of yourself.

Man. It all sounds so damn dramatic. But it is. That’s what I feel anyway. Like life’s just one huge drawn out drama for me and I just can’t get a break. I just want… stability. Stability in the sense that there are no surprises for me, no mood swings, no emotional thinking, no changing of the status quo.

But the straws keep flying, don’t they.

Drop.

Grabbing at straws that fly away. Grabbing but failing. Knowing that those small, refined strands are things you hold dear to, and were once things that kept you going, kept your day bright.

Know how I feel? Don’t think so.

I don’t even know what I feel about it. Sometimes this feeling comes, and I manage to bottle it. Times like these… it comes and swallows me. I wish I could just never ever have this feeling, but the way I am now, army and all? Not possible.

Knowing that each day more and more straws fly away, and I can’t do anything to grab them back. Knowing that in a month, it’ll probably get worse and by the end of 2 years… who knows what I’m left with.

It just sucks sucks sucks. Just a drop of insignificance in the sea of everyday life. That’s what it is now.

Partly my fault, partly God’s fault, partly every damn straws fault. Whatever.

I’m just a damned drop.