I’m not okay.

One thing I’ve managed to convince myself is that I like school… and I’m pretty sure I’m not being delusional here.

It does give me a shit load more of assignments and projects to worry about, but it sure does give me a lot of things to do. Too many poly students have the wrong idea that school should be a touch-and-go thing, save for meeting your friends there and going out after that. This coming from someone who goes to enough church meetings to rival school hours. Sort of.

Meh, I’m thinking about school because it’s my last semester here. I guess it’s not too often that you take a 2 year break from official studying, so when you do it’s best to be glad for the good times. Army is a whole new adventure, although I’m sure it’s one I really want to get over and done with.

Yes… slow updating period. Got lotsa work you know. Sigh.

Yes the lack of updates has not gone un-noticed. Trying to get a hold of my very very very muddled life now. You don’t start doing tutorials because you got assignments… you don’t sleep early because you have assignments… you don’t perform well because you don’t have enough sleep…

The list goes on… Updating soon!

“Hi, my name is Brian and I have a problem with technology.”

That, I do.

After finding out about the deliciously interesting fact that I could get Windows 7 free and legally, I spend the better part of my day drooling and scheming. Mostly drooling.

That was on Monday night. Fast forward to today and look past my sleep deprived nights, tinkering with my computer’s soft innards, spreading the good word about free-ness (staying true to my Singaporean self yo!) and the ultimate realisation that Windows 7 on the surface is a graphical update from vista… and you’ll get a very very very tired me.

So yea, it hasn’t really sunk in that school has started if I got time to burn with IT. As per customary poly rules, first week are free of tutorials, so school seems more lax than it really is. And I just haven’t shaken off this holiday mood yet… I intend to tomorrow morning though, before another backlog of work kills me off.

Did I mention that I have to go through NAPFA? Yes, that thing which was done previously in secondary school? Which I had no problem doing then because I was younger and somehow more fit? That I’m probably going to die trying to prepare for it, let alone DOING it? Yes, that thing.

Life’s pretty much bombarding me with sneaky little distractions now. Gaming as a distraction is pretty much a given, so as new software. But darn it when I have got to worry about my fitness, because that’s just really a game-breaker man. Just quoting another fellow friend of mine working in the same… ‘industry’, :” Where got time to exercise?”

Anyway I end off with what any self-respecting internet user should experience… LOLCATS

DAMN FLU MEDS I’M FEELING SLEEPY NOW. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Am I a forgiving person?

It’s a good question to ask, when often the world demands retribution and revenge to every slight a person might do to another. When a person betrays my trust- RESPOND WITH VENGEANCE. When a person disses me- RESPOND WITH VENGEANCE. A bit over the top… but same point nonetheless.

It’s true that we live in an unforgiving world, a world where prolonged empathy and understanding is not seen as a virtue but rather weakness. Forgiving one person once for lying is acceptable. Two times it’s still okay… five times it’s rare… ten and more and you’re a fool.

But is it foolish, really? I don’t blame people- we have been taught since young to defend ourselves. Don’t let the person who cut you once get close enough to cut you again. Physically… emotionally… Applies to both, don’t it?

So we learn not to love until it hurts… Ponder this though, as Mother Teresa once said:

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.

The world tells us one thing, our upbringing tells us one thing; that is to shy away from hurt and betrayal. Love not those that cut us with their words or actions.

But I say to all, what good is it to love where it is easy to love? We love our friends because we know we would get back the same. But how beneficial is that? We just end up with the same thing; feeling good about friends we had no problems to begin with.

It is more of a challenge to face the hurt and humiliation and whatever negative emotion we would get to stand by those who have been less than a friend to us repeatedly. When we stand by these people through all the hurt and sadness that may be dealt by them, what we have left is a better understanding of that friend. If we can stand through the worst of a person, just for the sheer willpower to be there for him/her, what we have left is beautiful.

Because when we stand back and the darkness and shade of a friend’s personality is lifted, we see the person for whom he is. We can know that we have been through the worst of the person and from there… only good can come out of it.

So to all who are struggling in their friendships and relationships: persevere. Good things come to those who wait. If friendships can be struck down so fast, then surely it was never substantial to begin with. If relationships can be soured so easily, then surely it was based on a whim of an emotion.

For life is too short to be guarded. Open your heart and mind… and persevere.

Last Friday before the last semester before the last time(for at least 2 years) with long hair.

After which the daily struggle to do well for school starts again. The paranoia that comes with doing well… followed by the period of indifference because I realise how damn lazy I am sometimes. Heh.

But… no. Last semester means I really should play hard and study hard. Sucky timetable or not, it’s a time where I should really cherish yea? After that I’m talking about 1 year 10 months of physical labour. Eughhhhhh.

Ah well. Friday night. Meeting time yo.

As I look back on the holidays and the many people I’ve met, it does tinge me with some sadness.

I’m described best as giving ‘awkward first impressions.’ Bother to listen to some of my friends and they’ll tell you about my now infamous ‘handshake to get to know people’ routine. I think I still do that. Huh.

But yea, I do give awkward first impressions. I’ve done enough soul searching… biological tree mapping… social profiling but I’m ultimately stuck on deciding where to apportion the blame for making me so… weird. Was it my parent’s fault for not having good enough genes? Perhaps theirs for making me so darn socially insecure. Or maybe it’s my fault for having too much interest in technology. And other weird interests. Like reading wikipedia.

Whatever the cause, it spawned the kid who reads online comics. Know random useless junk information like what mosquito repellents really do. Who has big glasses and sucks at being photogenic. Me.

So when I look back at the six weeks, I wonder about the people whom I got to know. Could I have done anything better to know them? Maybe act less weird… or less arrogant. I have a problem with that trait. It’s useful sometimes… but also vastly counter-productive.

But you know, that’s what you get for looking at yourself, or at least trying. You look in the mirror and at one glance you think you know the person who stares back.

But if you stare hard enough, the picture can change.

I’ve always had the good fortune to chance upon good articles that poses many a good answer to life and its endless challenges. I’m always in awe and respect of people who can come up with such inspirational writings that challenges our minds our thoughts our actions. And despite it being writings from a catholic priest, I’m sure that any secular person who reads the following links with an open mind will get a new perspective into the following areas. So… read with an open mind:

Private integrity

Love- Illusion and reality

Just spent around 2 hours watching Supernatural season 5. Anybody who’s into christian mythology about angels and demons and the apocalypse… should go and totally watch it. Awesome show:D

I’m getting rather tired (as I should, 2 friggin am), but I’d like to thank all the well wishers today:)

Had a good day too! Lunch and dinner was very big and filling… so I probably gained a bit this birthday. Darn ageing and my dropping metabolism rate:(

So toodles yo. Sleepy time now.

Goodbye goodbye the song went

And I can’t stress its truth

When the past few years have been a sham

At least that’s what it seems like right now.