Lie softly, lie sweetly.

A side glance, a quick peek.

A little bit of concern, keeping due note of you.

So much as I’d hate to admit it, I do care.

So keep lying to me, won’t you?

Now till 2012 doesn’t exist (army angst)

When I was 18, I felt 16. When I was 20, I felt 18. Now that I’m turning 21 this year?

Well feelings aside, I sure could pass off as 18. Minus my post-army tan and haircut, I really could! The downside to having a young face is people mistaking your age for a younger man, but that’s not really an issue there. Hell it means that when I’m older I’d be a pretty young looking chap. Thanks for the genes dad!

Looks aside, 21. Wow. It’s one of those milestones you just got to stop and look back at your life. What the hell have I done with those years? Spent well? Spent emoing? Spent wasting my life away?

So many things to reflect on and be thankful for, I guess. It’s said that in life you get what you need, not what you want, so either I really need a lot of things, or I need to thank the Big Guy up there a lot. Life’s been good to me, really.

Gah, sorry for the lack of quality posts. Army does a good number on your noggin and reflecting on your day doesn’t come up top priority when your day consists of following orders and standing in the sun. Hopefully my posting will allow me to use more of the brain.

Or at least buff up more. Man am I skinny now.

Oh sweet thing, if only you knew…

Flurry of thoughts.

I’m listening to music while my firefox has various tabs open, all containing different interests.

So messy, so ADHD, so 3 months before, so me.

I really miss this feeling. The feeling that the world is spread wide before me, and that while maybe I’m too damned distracted to focus on a single thing, if I do so; I can and will do that.

But this moment is going to be fleeting anyway. Come Sunday night I’m going to pack my field pack off to camp I’m gone again. Where adaptability comes in. Where survival comes in.

It all sounds rather dramatic. Like BMT is one season of Survivor.

But it is. You’re placed in an unfamiliar situation, needing to work with others. Some genuinely helpful, some harbouring ulterior motives.

But forget the rest. You don’t feel or know it, but you subtly change. You change slowly but surely, driven by the desire to win the game.

Then when you watch yourself on TV you realise how different you are from what you thought of yourself.

Man. It all sounds so damn dramatic. But it is. That’s what I feel anyway. Like life’s just one huge drawn out drama for me and I just can’t get a break. I just want… stability. Stability in the sense that there are no surprises for me, no mood swings, no emotional thinking, no changing of the status quo.

But the straws keep flying, don’t they.

Drop.

Grabbing at straws that fly away. Grabbing but failing. Knowing that those small, refined strands are things you hold dear to, and were once things that kept you going, kept your day bright.

Know how I feel? Don’t think so.

I don’t even know what I feel about it. Sometimes this feeling comes, and I manage to bottle it. Times like these… it comes and swallows me. I wish I could just never ever have this feeling, but the way I am now, army and all? Not possible.

Knowing that each day more and more straws fly away, and I can’t do anything to grab them back. Knowing that in a month, it’ll probably get worse and by the end of 2 years… who knows what I’m left with.

It just sucks sucks sucks. Just a drop of insignificance in the sea of everyday life. That’s what it is now.

Partly my fault, partly God’s fault, partly every damn straws fault. Whatever.

I’m just a damned drop.

Never a dull moment.

Life in transition… even after 1.5 months in the army.

Will blog more when my head gets sorted out… again.

Fix you.

How can you ever be sure of what you’re feeling?

How can you know that what you’re feeling, is true for now and for time to come? Could you not be influenced by the vibe of the moment, the circumstances facing your immediate well-being?

I guess it just shows I’m not ready then. If I can’t definitively assure myself of my decisions, nor maintain a stand for more than a day, then don’t take my word for it.

I need to fix myself. Wait for me, if you can.

-.-

Sorry for the lack of updates, I’m contented enough with being a general bum…

Since Saturday, a timer is going off in my head. 1 month to army you know? If I could I would press a button to fast forward to 2 years from now, and in my mind those 2 years are going to take forever. The ‘promised land’ of 2012 I can only imagine will be so monumental and awesome to me. Yea, university means that much to me.

Not only that though, it’s how I’m going to pass the 2 years that’s going to bug me a bit from now until I enter army. Granted, I do have friends who would certainly still hang out for these 2 years, but I just can’t help thinking that I won’t end up too highly on someone’s priority list to hang out with on a weekend. I do remember that saturday nights were often the most boring of my entire week back when I was studying in NP.

And it’s sad, really, when I think of the relationships that I’ve started the holidays with but somehow deteriorated/imploded as time trekked on. Don’t worry, if you actually bother to read this blog then as a friend you should be pretty alright 🙂 The right people know who they are.

All in all the 2 years might not be so bad after all. Sure I’ll most likely pass my 21st birthday without a teenage romance (sigh), but that won’t kill me. Maybe I’ll meet a really awesome bro in army that will make the 2 years less bothersome. Maybe God willing, someone’s gonna find me worth their Saturday night, heh.

I am rather entertaining you know.

Downer.

Take a seat, stop for a moment and ponder this:

“What do I want out of life?”

If I didn’t do step 1,2 and 3, I would say something like this,

“Well I would like to get a good job, get reasonably wealthy, married and settled down. Not within that order I want these things out of life.”

Entirely reasonable requests, and perhaps things others would like too. But I’ve been thinking…

It feels too far sometimes, these dreams of mine. Getting a job, rich, married… all these things are set so far in the future. Sure you can start saving money or start planning your investments, but the fruits of your labour are set so far into the future motivation to achieve them can be pretty damn tough sometimes. Who cares about the future when the present bothers the shit out of you. And don’t get me started on marriage-.-

My point (if there is ever one to my ramblings) is that like my academics, I’m just going along with life because I have to. I always wanted to go university, but in poly most of the time I studied because it was something I wanted to get done with. So much similar to life, is there really anything to look forward to?

Maybe I’m just being a downer. You know all the facebook photos of university camps and I’m only 2 years away from mine. Sucks real bad what can I do about it…

Yeaa.

I feel so lost and pulled apart.

I feel so shitty and so lonely and so goddamn useless sometimes. I just want to crawl under a giant rock and say to life “UP YOURS”.

Because under the posturing, the bravado, the nonchalance, I do give a shit (or at least try to). I know life hasn’t gone anywhere remotely bad for me to be so angsty, but screw life. I’ll be pissed, annoyed, raged up when I want to. Even for the stupidest and most ridiculous of reasons.

I just don’t want to care.

aaand life’s a bitch.

Is it more dangerous to over-expose yourself or to just not bother thinking at all?

If you are wondering about the relation between the two, it is just that I am getting lazier and lazier to write blog posts. I do tussle with the occasional need to censor myself, but it is no where near as bad as being too lazy to think.

Yea, too lazy to think.

I don’t quite know what to make of it. Am I just lazy because I have been doing nothing all these months?

Or maybe you know, I’m sick and tired of thinking. Thinking, thinking and thinking. Where has thinking gotten me? Aside from education, thinking has gotten me nowhere.

We have all these plans… and life just likes to throw spanners into its work. All that hope and expectation built into these plans, thrashed and left to die. Why do we even bother sometimes?

Sigh. I’m just ranting. Maybe I really have nothing better to do than to think, these days. The only problem is when I decide to plan it out.

Because you know, a lot of myself goes into my plans. Sucks when it don’t come true.